alliejanecompton.com

2012-01-09 0 notes

Nation’s Dad Not Sure What You’ve Been Doing All Day

11 notes

I wrote this article about a real crazy guy named Vermin Supreme who is running for President as a Republican. There’s a really great video of him “debating.”

He wears a boot on his head and carries a toothbrush around, part of his “dental hygiene agenda.” He is totally nuts! I like him.

From a recent debate:

Shumaker: Romney has been accused of taking different positions on different issues. I’m asking you right now, do you still stand by your pledge made in 2008 to provide a pony for every American?

Vermin Supreme: Yes I do, sir. My free-pony platform is, of course, a jobs-creation platform …. lt will also lower our dependence on foreign oil. We will also be able to turn all that pony poop into methane gas and wonderful compost.

The important thing to realize is it’s a federal pony identification program. You will need your pony with you at all times.

He also throws “gay” dust on this extreme anti-gay, anti-abortion activist at the end. Great job democracy!

2 notes

Old receipt from a trip I took to Montreal years ago. One of those instances of getting what you pay for, and apparently that was butts all UP on my grilled cheese.

apparently had this gchat last night after returning home from a work party where i had two manhattans and a game of beer pong for dinner. john was a good sport considering i scolded him for not coming to an event and proceeded to just rant incoherently about everything.

2011-11-14 6 notes

2011-05-12 2 notes

Great Movies Revisited: Do It For Dad, Sam

“Shit,” Samuel L. Jackson muttered as he jumped down from the treehouse ladder and walked toward the house. The front door was open, letting the heat out. Mom and Dad were going to be pissed.

But really, what did it matter anymore? Still, he closed the front door behind him. Zig-zagging through toy cars and puddles of paint that covered the foyer floor, he could see his breath. Dammit.

He made his way through the living room. As he passed by a tousled table lamp, the couch cushions strewn in corners and ripped open, he wasn’t concerned. Crunching over a blanket of shattered ornaments that surrounded him, the room looked like a Kristallnacht of Christmas decor, though the small tree he had purchased remained in tact, the lights still on. It was a trophy of what he endured and he paused to admire it before pressing on. There wasn’t much time left.

2011-02-26 3 notes

5 Rejected Sign Titles For Today’s Planned Parenthood Rally

1. MY UTERUS IS RALLY IMPORTANT !

2. OB/GYN’S BEFORE COAT HANGERS AND OTHER SUNDRY ITEMS THAT COULD KILL ME, YOU KNOW

3. MY OTHER ABORTION DOCTOR IS A STAIRCASE

4. MY UTERUS: YOU CAN GET IN, BUT IT DOESNT RLY COUNT UNTIL YOU’VE BEEN THERE 6 MONTHS, SRY

5. LET’S COLLECTIVELY BARGAIN TO GIVE SCOTT WALKER A VASECTOMY! WAIT, WHERE AM I

2011-02-05 13 notes

AMERICA: We’re F’d.

2011-01-31 5 notes

AllieJaneCompton.com: No Promises

HEY! Wow, AllieJaneCompton.com is actually a real website again! Google Analytics told me that literally no one had visited my old website ever, not even once, so this shouldn’t take any getting used to for anyone. Great!

Truly though, it is time for a change. I really believe that change is good, but no one is just going to hand it over to you, except maybe when they’ve just gotten off the train and are tired and their hands are already in their pockets, and you tell them you just need it for a phone call, and they’re like, “Who uses pay phones anymore?” and you tell them that’s rude and that you use your personal phone booth all the damn time and gesture to the old-timey red telephone booth you bought on eBay as an investment, and they finally agree that you need that change way more than they do and hand it over. Unfortunately, that stuff doesn’t happen every day, but you know what? This site will! Or maybe every other day. Okay, twice a week, minimum.

Hey, no promises.